I made it to Missouri. I’m staying at a Fairfield Inn just 20 minutes from St. Louis, Missouri. So I’m actually almost through Missouri. I purposely took this longer route home to see more states. Today I’ve traveled through Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. I drove 499.4 miles today. I have about 841 miles to go to get home. On the way here I saw several billboards with MIZZOU on them. I’m not really sure what it means but it reminded me of Roger’s old blog site name. He’s changed the name of his site since then but I still think of him as Mizzou Guy.

If you read this morning’s brief post, you know that I was in quite an emotional state when I wrote that. I’ll just say that I had expectations that Shawn didn’t feel comfortable living up to. He has a lot going on in his life and I was complicating things more by visiting him and wanting things I knew I couldn’t have. Shawn and I dated for 8 months. I fell hard for him. At the time, I think he did too. Then he was scared of succeeding in D.C. and decided to go back to his old job in Oklahoma. Because of that move we could not be together. I made the decision to sever ties with him in November. He found my blog and read it often. In March he e-mailed me and we began talking again. My feelings for him hadn’t faded at that point and still haven’t. Being in contact with him again brought up all the memories and emotions I had for him before. Then the idea of visiting him this summer came up. I’m not sure if I invited myself or if Shawn actually asked me to visit him. I think I forced the visit. At the time he wasn’t dating and I had just finished dating Brad so the trip was planned with nothing standing in the way of it being an enjoyable visit. Then Shawn’s life began to get complicated. He met someone and began casually dating him. Other things that I can’t mention here also complicated his life. Then a week before I was to visit, he informed me that one of the days I would be there, he would have to help his parents move. I almost decided not to make the trip. Of course I did make the trip. When I spoke to my father the first night of my vacation and told him all about Shawn and the story, he said I should turn around and go home. That things would not be the same as I remembered them, that Shawn’s mind is no longer on me and I’d be setting myself up for pain. I did realize that was a possibility but I’m a romantic. Of course things did not go as my romantic mind thought they would. Shawn and I had already discussed that we were friends and that the distance made it impossible for us to be together. But I wondered how many friends sleep and cuddle together. That sent mixed messages into my mind. What did it mean? Was this a temporary return to “us”? I didn’t know. I was confused. Then too much alcohol, roaming hands and tongues started getting out of hand and then were abruptly stopped. I knew where it wasn’t going and what this definitely wasn’t. It was not a return to “us”. How could it be?

I simply let my emotions get away from me on this trip. I hoped for things that could never be. Shawn never promised anything so how could I truly expect things to be anything more then friends. My feelings for Shawn have not changed, even with the outcome of this trip. However, I think Shawn’s feeling for me have changed. I told him that if he ever finds himself single and moving back to the D.C. area, to let me know and we’ll see what happens. Until or even if that happens, I will have to move on. I’ve got to get a grip on reality and realize there isn’t anything left between us. We can be friends and talk on the phone. If we are single we can even visit each other. Shawn knows though that if I let my emotions and feelings for him get in the way again, I will have to discontinue contact with him. For me to be completely over someone, I have to go without being in contact with them for a very long time, sometimes years. However, once that certain amount of time has passed I have been able to develop long lasting friendships. My two best friends are guys I’ve dated in the past and taken the right amount of time not speaking to get over them. I know it works. That may be what I need to do with Shawn. Only time will tell.

I just got off the phone with Shawn. I let him know that I had arrived safely in Missouri. We chatted about things and are going to try to just be friends. He knows I’m writing about him in this post. He also knows I may need to break off contact with him to completely be over him. He said as long as I don’t blow him off for the rest of my life, he can live with a certain amount of time. The healing begins now. But that doesn’t mean I won’t continue to express my feelings for Shawn in this forum. They won’t go away that fast.

Sorry this post has ended up being so long. That wasn’t my intention. However, I do want to add some song lyrics that touched me today as I made my way to Missouri. (click on the links to hear a sample at the iTunes Music Store)

CHRIS ISAAK-“Somebody’s Crying”

I know somebody and they cry for you.
They lie awake at night and dream of you.
I bet you never even know they do, but somebody’s crying.

I know somebody and they called your name.
A million times and still you never came.
They go on loving you just the same, I know that somebody’s trying.

So please, return the love you took from me.
Or please, let me know if it can’t be me, I know when,
Somebody’s lieing, I know when somebody’s lieing.

I know that somebody’s lieing, I know that somebody’s lieing.

Give me a sign and let me know we’re through.
If you don’t love me like I love you.
But if you cry at night the way I do I’ll know that somebody’s lieing.

So please, return the love you took from me.
Or please, let me know if it can’t be me.
I know when somebody’s lieing, I know when somebody’s lieing.

CRANBERRIES-“Dreams”

Oh, my life is changing everyday,

In every possible way.
And oh, my dreams, it’s never quiet as it seems,
Never quiet as it seems.

I know I’ve felt like this before, but now I’m feeling it even more,
Because it came from you.
And then I open up and see the person falling here is me,
A different way to be.

I want more imposible to ignore,
Imposible to ignore.
And they’ll come true, impossible not to do,
Impossible not to do.

And now I tell you openly, you have my heart so don’t hurt me.
You’re what I couldn’t find.
A totally amazing mind, so understanding and so kind;
You’re everything to me.

Oh, my life,
Is changing every day,
In every possible way.

And oh, my dreams,
It’s never quiet as it seems,
‘Cause you’re a dream to me,
Dream to me.

ANNIE LENNOX-“No More “I Love You’s””

I used to be lunatic from the gracious days
I used to be woebegone and so restless nights
My aching heart would bleed for you to see
Oh but now…
(I don’t find myself bouncing home whistling buttonhole tunes to make me cry)

No more “I love you’s”
The language is leaving me
No more “I love you’s”
Changes are shifting outside the word