For the past few days, I’ve been thinking about friendship. With a little help, or some would say push, I’ve come to realize that I’m a terrible friend. It’s true. I am. I’ll admit it. I’m a terrible friend.

I know why I have so few friends. I never stay in touch with people. When I think about my two closest friends and even my relatively new blogger friend, Homer, I never call them. They always call me. I’ve talked with both Homer and one of my closest friends and they say they don’t have a problem being the one to call but it still bothers me that I never initiate phone conversations with friends. Both Homer and my friend David called me on their way home from work. They pretty much know when I’m free to talk and call during those times. But I never pick up the phone and just call them. I know I’m shy and worry about if I’d be bothering them or catching them at a bad time to talk. Or I feel I should only call them when I actually have something to tell or ask them.

I don’t know. I just know that it’s been brought to my attention that I’m a bad friend and I realize it and admit it, I am. Maybe I don’t need many friends. Maybe I’m content to just do my thing and keep a very close, small group of friends. I’m not really sure. I don’t go out with friends much and of course, I never initiate going out. It’s always the other people. I don’t know why I’m so bad at that or why I’m a bad friend.

When I think about it, the friends I do have don’t really have the same interests as I do. I mean, we have a connection some way. Like with Homer we’re both gay and bloggers. We always have lots of things to talk about. And with David, well, he and I talk about EVERYTHING and I’ve known him since 1992. I’m not sure why David keeps me as a friend. I hardly ever call him. I’m lucky that he keeps me as a friend I guess. I do consider Bob, my artist friend, a friend. He and I have something in common and talk about it all the time. See, I guess if I had something in common with people I’d be a better friend..maybe. I don’t know.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m in a weird mood tonight. I’m rambling and much of it doesn’t make sense I’m sure. I guess it boils down to the fact that I’m not a very good friend and that I don’t need a lot of friends in my life. How sad is that?