You’d think with the beautiful weather we’ve had the last few days here in the DC area that I’d be in a better mood. But, I’m not. Thoughts of men keep entering my mind. I want Shawn but he’s in another state and out of reach. I wouldn’t mind developing something with Brad but he dumped me. I haven’t been approached for a date in a long time. I’m beginning to think I’m too old to have a real lasting relationship. One of my ex-boyfriends told me a long time ago when I broke up with him that I would be alone the rest of my life. I’m beginning to believe him. I just can’t figure out men. What do they want? What don’t they want? The last 3 guys who I dated seriously were the ones who pursued me. They approached me with interest. Once meeting them and getting to know them, I returned the interest. Things begin going in the right direction. I’m feeling good about it. Then something happens. Either I begin to make the relationship more serious then they care for, or they simply loose interest in me. I don’t know what it is. I think I want what most gay men want. I serious relationship with another man they are attracted to, like to spend time with, want to fall in love with. Sounds wonderful but so elusive. And of course there are those who claim to want to be friends and then never call or want to get together. I quickly give up on them. That’s probably why I have so few friends. Brad said we’d be friends and still go out. I haven’t seen him for more then a week. We chatted in e-mail earlier this week but that’s it. Is it time to give up on him and let that go? I mean, we were possibly going to go to a movie last weekend. He was going to call and let me know but he never did. Said later in an e-mail that he ended up being lethargic and stuffed up and laying around the house. I get like that too but if I had told someone I might get together with them and I’ll let them know, I’d call them and tell them so. I guess I’m just being sensitive and picky. I just want guys to tell me what it is they want. And what they don’t want. There are those who don’t know what they want. I should add that to my list of reasons to avoid men. If they don’t know what they want, I shouldn’t be the guinea pig for them to figure out what it is they want. I wouldn’t say I’m hurt by this thing with Brad. I guess I’m actually thinking about how good I had it with Shawn and how disappointed I am that it didn’t go the same way with Brad. I really can’t compare the two. They are different men all together. But at least with Shawn I knew what he wanted and how he felt about me.

Sometimes I wonder if writing things like this in such a public forum is revealing too much about myself. And then I realize that everyone feels like this at one time or another. After writing things like this I debate whether I should actually post it or not. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. This one won the debate. I also think about those who are mentioned in the post. Do they get mad when they read it? Do they feel I’m telling too much about what’s going on between us? I don’t know. And I shouldn’t really care. Afterall, this is my outlet for just this type of sentiment.

And no, I haven’t had anything to drink tonight. Just too much free time to think.