The Numbers

/ Paul / Leave a comment

2876.9
957.41
59
23
11
5
1.98
1.65
2
1
0

What do these numbers mean? Let me tell you:

2876.9 is the total number of miles traveled on my vacation.
957.41 is the total amount of money spent on this vacation.
59 is the total number of comments left on my vacation posts on my blog.
23 is the total number of dead armadillos seen on Arkansas roads.
11 is the number of states I drove through.
5 is the number of phone calls I missed while I was gone.
2 is the number of times I had constipation on the trip.
1.98 is the highest price I paid for a gallon of gas.
1.65 is the lowest price I paid for a gallon of gas.
1 is the number of broken hearts.
0 is the number of times I got laid.

Interesting information, I must say.

Home!

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I have arrived home safely. Of course it took me 6 hours to get home from West Virginia. I decided to take a slower, more indirect route to enjoy the scenery. I left Charleston, West Virginia at 7:15 this morning. Route 79 North goes through the mountains of West Virginia. I arrived at my condo at exactly 1:15 PM with a sigh of relief.

At that time of the morning there was some very dense fog covering most of the mountains and drifting down to the road surface. The mountains were in a fog just as my mind must have been when I first decided to take this trip. What was I thinking? I was, yet again, thinking about Shawn and what went on during this trip. The fog made me think too much about it. I promised myself I would not think about this again on this last leg of the trip. The fog would not cloud my judgment. I would enjoy the scenery and not think about it any longer. What I did think about however was all the comments of support from total strangers. I was so touched by all the comments left on my previous vacation posts. I mean, these people don't really know me. They only read about me on my blog. I hope they all realize how appreciative I am for the support and well wishes. Even though I traveled alone, I felt like you were there with me every mile of the trip.

With the combination of the fog and the steep mountain roads, the driving was a bit slow at times. And I couldn't believe that people who live in this area and probably travel these foggy roads all the time would drive around on a morning like this without their lights on. What idiots! It took me almost two hours to get to Bridgeport where I was to “hang a right” onto Route 50. For those of you in the D.C. area, this is the same Route 50 that goes through Arlington and ends in D.C. (I believe). I thought this would be an interesting change from the typical drive on a highway. I made that right and got onto the two lane Route 50. Things started out well. It was flat, there was no fog, and hardly any other cars in front of me. However, the farther I went on Route 50, the more I feared ending up like Ned Beatty in Deliverance. The road was mostly overgrown with tree branches, had no pull over lanes, and had many no passing zones. I was really scared when I got behind an old toothless man going 30 miles an hour in his Chevy truck, that was older than my father, with a pit bull roaming in the bed. I couldn't wait for him to turn off onto some dirt road. I wonder what he thought of me driving my little white SUV with the windows all down, blasting 80's music while sunning my face with the moon roof open. He probably thought I was some rich city slicker, which is so far from the truth. Anyway, this road seemed to go on and on and on. I kept looking at the map to see just when I'd cross into Virginia. At the top of one of the mountains they did have a scenic overlook. I pulled off and shot some video of the mountains. The views were actually amazing. The sad part was that the entire time I was on Route 50 I didn't have a cell phone signal so I couldn't call anyone to share how beautiful it was. That also scared me because what if I had gotten into an accident or worse yet, kidnapped by a banjo playing hick who lives in a trailer with a HUGE satellite dish in the front yard?

About 4 and half hours into that drive, I did cross into Virginia. And the minute I did cross that line, the cell phone signal returned as well as a proper 4 lane highway. I was so glad to be back on Virginia soil. In the north western part of Virginia there are also some beautiful views. Of course as I got closer to my final destination the traffic and strip malls returned. But hey, this is where I live and I love it. It's good to be home.

I know many of you are probably tired of reading about my vacation. I promise I will only write one more entry about it tomorrow. I already have an idea in mind. Also, some of you have been asking to see the photos. I promise I will work on the photo libraries tomorrow and post all the photos.

Traveling Alone

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I left Missouri at 7:00 AM this morning. I got to Charleston, West Virginia at 4:00 PM this afternoon. I drove through Missouri, Illinios, Indiana, Kentucky, and finally West Virginia. I couldn't find a Marriott affiliated hotel so I couldn't get my family discount. I did find a AAA.com, the trip should have taken 8.5 hours. I made it in 9 hours. I guess the stopping to pee and get gas made up that 30 minutes.

I've had plenty of time to think about many things today. I re-hashed the Shawn story and decided to begin to put that out of my mind. Thanks for all the kind comments! My good friend David has called me each day to make sure I'm okay and surviving. He's such a great friend. So, instead I thought a lot about taking this trip by myself and what it's like to travel alone.

There are many benefits to traveling alone. Especially when it's a road trip. When you drive alone you can stop and go when you want. You don't have to stop when someone else needs to go to the bathroom. You can stop when you need to go. You can listen to any type of music you like and at any volume. You don't have to worry about someone complaining about the music. I was speeding down the highway today with Bette Midler blasting on the CD player. I didn't care if anyone knew it. I was singing at the top of my lungs. It's a good thing I was traveling alone. I'm a smoker but generally I don't smoke in my car but on long trips like this I let that rule go out the window with the smoke. Again, being alone, you don't have to worry about the smoke bothering the other person. I could fire a cig up anytime I wanted. You can also stop for the evening whenever you want. I drove between 8 and 9 hours each day and whenever I got too tired, I just decided to look for a hotel. I didn't have any reservations or anything. I just looked for one on the road. And I was the one who got to pick the hotel. No one else needed to persuade me to either get a cheaper hotel or a more expensive hotel. I got to make that decision. I also get to make the decision as to when to leave the next day. Traveling alone is great. No one to change my mind on any decisions.

The sad part about traveling alone is that you are traveling alone. 🙁

Return Home

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I made it to Missouri. I’m staying at a Fairfield Inn just 20 minutes from St. Louis, Missouri. So I’m actually almost through Missouri. I purposely took this longer route home to see more states. Today I’ve traveled through Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. I drove 499.4 miles today. I have about 841 miles to go to get home. On the way here I saw several billboards with MIZZOU on them. I’m not really sure what it means but it reminded me of Roger’s old blog site name. He’s changed the name of his site since then but I still think of him as Mizzou Guy.

If you read this morning’s brief post, you know that I was in quite an emotional state when I wrote that. I’ll just say that I had expectations that Shawn didn’t feel comfortable living up to. He has a lot going on in his life and I was complicating things more by visiting him and wanting things I knew I couldn’t have. Shawn and I dated for 8 months. I fell hard for him. At the time, I think he did too. Then he was scared of succeeding in D.C. and decided to go back to his old job in Oklahoma. Because of that move we could not be together. I made the decision to sever ties with him in November. He found my blog and read it often. In March he e-mailed me and we began talking again. My feelings for him hadn’t faded at that point and still haven’t. Being in contact with him again brought up all the memories and emotions I had for him before. Then the idea of visiting him this summer came up. I’m not sure if I invited myself or if Shawn actually asked me to visit him. I think I forced the visit. At the time he wasn’t dating and I had just finished dating Brad so the trip was planned with nothing standing in the way of it being an enjoyable visit. Then Shawn’s life began to get complicated. He met someone and began casually dating him. Other things that I can’t mention here also complicated his life. Then a week before I was to visit, he informed me that one of the days I would be there, he would have to help his parents move. I almost decided not to make the trip. Of course I did make the trip. When I spoke to my father the first night of my vacation and told him all about Shawn and the story, he said I should turn around and go home. That things would not be the same as I remembered them, that Shawn’s mind is no longer on me and I’d be setting myself up for pain. I did realize that was a possibility but I’m a romantic. Of course things did not go as my romantic mind thought they would. Shawn and I had already discussed that we were friends and that the distance made it impossible for us to be together. But I wondered how many friends sleep and cuddle together. That sent mixed messages into my mind. What did it mean? Was this a temporary return to “us”? I didn’t know. I was confused. Then too much alcohol, roaming hands and tongues started getting out of hand and then were abruptly stopped. I knew where it wasn’t going and what this definitely wasn’t. It was not a return to “us”. How could it be?

I simply let my emotions get away from me on this trip. I hoped for things that could never be. Shawn never promised anything so how could I truly expect things to be anything more then friends. My feelings for Shawn have not changed, even with the outcome of this trip. However, I think Shawn’s feeling for me have changed. I told him that if he ever finds himself single and moving back to the D.C. area, to let me know and we’ll see what happens. Until or even if that happens, I will have to move on. I’ve got to get a grip on reality and realize there isn’t anything left between us. We can be friends and talk on the phone. If we are single we can even visit each other. Shawn knows though that if I let my emotions and feelings for him get in the way again, I will have to discontinue contact with him. For me to be completely over someone, I have to go without being in contact with them for a very long time, sometimes years. However, once that certain amount of time has passed I have been able to develop long lasting friendships. My two best friends are guys I’ve dated in the past and taken the right amount of time not speaking to get over them. I know it works. That may be what I need to do with Shawn. Only time will tell.

I just got off the phone with Shawn. I let him know that I had arrived safely in Missouri. We chatted about things and are going to try to just be friends. He knows I’m writing about him in this post. He also knows I may need to break off contact with him to completely be over him. He said as long as I don’t blow him off for the rest of my life, he can live with a certain amount of time. The healing begins now. But that doesn’t mean I won’t continue to express my feelings for Shawn in this forum. They won’t go away that fast.

Sorry this post has ended up being so long. That wasn’t my intention. However, I do want to add some song lyrics that touched me today as I made my way to Missouri. (click on the links to hear a sample at the iTunes Music Store)


Somebody's Crying
 CHRIS ISAAK-“Somebody’s Crying”

I know somebody and they cry for you.
They lie awake at night and dream of you.
I bet you never even know they do, but somebody’s crying.

I know somebody and they called your name.
A million times and still you never came.
They go on loving you just the same, I know that somebody’s trying.

So please, return the love you took from me.
Or please, let me know if it can’t be me, I know when,
Somebody’s lieing, I know when somebody’s lieing.

I know that somebody’s lieing, I know that somebody’s lieing.

Give me a sign and let me know we’re through.
If you don’t love me like I love you.
But if you cry at night the way I do I’ll know that somebody’s lieing.

So please, return the love you took from me.
Or please, let me know if it can’t be me.
I know when somebody’s lieing, I know when somebody’s lieing.


Dreams
 CRANBERRIES-“Dreams”

Oh, my life is changing everyday,

In every possible way.
And oh, my dreams, it’s never quiet as it seems,
Never quiet as it seems.

I know I’ve felt like this before, but now I’m feeling it even more,
Because it came from you.
And then I open up and see the person falling here is me,
A different way to be.

I want more imposible to ignore,
Imposible to ignore.
And they’ll come true, impossible not to do,
Impossible not to do.

And now I tell you openly, you have my heart so don’t hurt me.
You’re what I couldn’t find.
A totally amazing mind, so understanding and so kind;
You’re everything to me.

Oh, my life,
Is changing every day,
In every possible way.

And oh, my dreams,
It’s never quiet as it seems,
‘Cause you’re a dream to me,
Dream to me.

ANNIE LENNOX-“No More “I Love You’s””

I used to be lunatic from the gracious days
I used to be woebegone and so restless nights
My aching heart would bleed for you to see
Oh but now…
(I don’t find myself bouncing home whistling buttonhole tunes to make me cry)

No more “I love you’s”
The language is leaving me
No more “I love you’s”
Changes are shifting outside the word

Time To Leave

/ Paul / Leave a comment

I couldn't stop the tears. While I sat on Shawn's couch waiting for him to get ready for work I fought back the tears. Once he was dressed, I said I had to go. I couldn't prolong this exit. A light peck on the lips, a thank you for coming, a call me, and I was out the door. I then cried all the way back to the hotel. I feel so strongly that Shawn is the man I'm supposed to be with. I don't think he feels the same way. He's very reserved with his emotions, stunted even. I'm about to leave Oklahoma, probably for the last time. There is so much to say but I will formulate how I want to say it as I drive towards Kansas this morning. I've experienced so many emotions in the last 4 days that I can't begin to express them right this minute. When I arrive at a hotel this evening, I will begin to explore my feelings and record them. I'll close with just this: Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda!